I'm Elite!

I always thought that in order to be elite, you needed to come from good breeding...

own a bluetooth headset...

and be a total jerk...

I've learned that this is not the case. You only need two of the three attributes I listed - plus a crapload of aeroplan points. Luckily I have a bluetooth headset (no, I do not wear it constantly, but doing that would ensure that you understand how in demand I am), I am a total jerk (only to those who deserve it) and according to aeroplan I have enough points to be considered "elite" under their rewards program. You are probably saying to yourself, "so what...you just get a luggage tag that makes you better than everyone else on the plane. What's so great about that?" Well, let me tell you. As a member of aeroplan with "Elite" status, I get a bunch of upgrade coupons that I'll never use. Seriously - who buys an upgradable ticket? Also - I get 8 of them and they expire on Feb 28, 2010. Will I really be buying that many upgradeable tickets before then? I may be elite, but I'm no Thurston Howell III. Perhaps I'll buy a bus ticket and attempt to use 4 of the coupons to upgrade to air travel or I'll go all out and use all 8 to upgrade to time travel.

I also get a few Air Canada lounge guest passes that I'll never use because I travel solo and guests have to be with someone who has a lounge membership in order to use the pass.

Now that I'm elite, I plan to stop tolerating the Gilligans of the world and I will use my elite connections and stealthy business acumen to get me out of all sorts of trouble - like perhaps breaking out of a jail made of bamboo.

Would I get one phone call on the coconut phone while in bamboo jail? I think I would call "The Professor".