This Is Your Brain on Music

Sean and I went to "The Power Center" in T-Bay to look for some stereo equipment.  We have a relatively decent turntable, but we needed speakers and a receiver in order to use said turntable.  And we needed to figure out how to get the friggin weiner dog off it!  Nothing a little windex couldn't take care of.

The moment we walked in the door, Sean was pounced upon by a salesman who spoke some form of audiophile language that left us both stunned and perplexed.  Well, he left Sean stunned and perplexed - I feigned the bored-girlfriend-who-is-mad-we're-spending-time-in-a-stereo-store-when-we-could-be-shopping-at-le-chateau role so that he could use me as an excuse to make a quick escape. 



The receivers he showed Sean were way too complicated for what we were trying to do - seriously - some of the units had a 10x40 grid of holes and nightmares on the back.  What fresh hell is that?

After our failed attempt at The Power Center, we went to our favourite store, Jim & Crystal's Basement Giveaway Factory, and picked up a working receiver and some speakers from the in-laws.  The system works perfectly and it has only 5 holes on the back.  Ahhhh - the good old days.

Our vinyl collection is weighted heavily with Fleetwood Mac and Elvis Costello albums, but we also have Feargul Sharkey and Huey Lewis and The News in there to shitty it up.

Who am I kidding?  I love Huey Lewis and The News and anyone who disagrees with me can go listen to The Captain & Tenille (which we also have in our collection).



Check out "The Captain"s eyes in this photo!  Either he just came back from the optometrist with dialated eyes or the Captain has been smoking too much rope on his ship, if you know what I mean!  And what I mean is smoking weed in case you didn't get my hemp rope reference.

If I Could Hoist an Airline Overhead and Laud it, I Would

Porter!  Thank goodness for Porter Air. 

Sean and I decided to fly to Southern Ontario and back to the North on Porter this holiday season and I'm thanking my lucky stars that we did.  Horror stories from those who were stranded or in long lineups at larger airports due to the failed terrorist attempt on Christmas day have been pouring in.

Other than both flights leaving/arriving late, it was a good experience.  Their lounge is nice, but not as nice as Air Canada's though, as we were forced to mix with the proletariat and their unwashed children.  Nothing a hot shower and some Dr Bronner's couldn't fix.

To complete our Toronto experience, we saw someone famous from TV.  Michael Ignatieff was there.  Unlike the time I saw Mary Walsh in the Air Canada lounge, I was bold enough to take a picture.

The picture didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but the man in the foreground is reading a newspaper with the headline "Ignatieff Shelves Talks of Election".  I was going for irony, but all I got was blurriness.

Keep it Real

Away in a manger

No crib for a bed

The little Young Jeezy lays down his sweet head

The stars in the bright sky

Look down where he lay

The little Young Jeezy asleep on the hay

Remember the reason for the season, folks. 
It's mostly about Christmas rapping.

Who's Featured at Centerfolds?

Take it easy, folks.  They'll be open again on January 4th.  Even showbars need to take a break for the holidays.

Hot Weather Video to Take Your Mind Off the Cold

Thunder Bay is cold.  Very cold.  Remember when that girl totally blew you off at that dance in grade 7 by telling you that she'd rather eat a fart sandwich than dance with you?  Thunder Bay is colder than that.

Thunder Bay has a big "Feels Like" differential.  On the Weather Network's daily forecast they have the real temperature and the "Feels Like" temperature which factors in wind chill, cold stares and chilly rejections from grade 7 dances to predict exactly how much the outdoors hates you.  The difference between the actual temperature and the "Feels Like" temperature the past few weeks has been around ten to twelve degrees.  Now, if the actual temperature was -10 degrees and the "Feels Like" temperature is -21 degrees, that doesn't seem so bad.  What's bad is when the actual temperature is -23 degrees and the "Feels Like" temperature is -35 degrees.

I'm waiting for the day when someone at the weather network decides they want to get fired and on that day the temperature forecast will read like this:

Actual Temperature: -21 degrees
"Feels Like": it's killing you with a million tiny icicles through your privates

or

Actual Temperature: -21 degrees
"Feels Like": you should probably go back to bed for a few months, much like your grounhogian ancestors

To warm you up and get your mind off the cold, here's a hot video by Eurodance sensation David Guetta and autotune/fan-humping wizard Akon.  This song is painfully catchy, but the video is a bit, well...disjointed.  I've listed my running commentary on the video below:

David Guetta flies into Akon's back yard from Barcelona (pronounced "Barthelona")
Akon is sorting through polaroids of scantily clad women looking for one in particular
He finds her taped to the bathroom mirror, but he also finds that she's a lipstick waster
Then there are these first-year loser d-bags who they won't let into the party, so they sneak in but they're never seen again in the video
Then David and Akon have a multi-round tickle fight and keep on falling in the pool, which is hopefully 5% Purell considering the amount of touchy hands have been in it
Then they are at a club and they know the dancers
Akon's date, who I'm pretty sure is a man, leads them to the stage
David gets really white and sweaty while spinning at a club
And in the end it was all a dream - take that creativity!!!



THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET AKON DIRECT YOUR VIDEO!!

Braving the Cold Mall Winds

Sean and I went to the mall the other day to get...hmmm...can't remember (suckers!  You thought I was going to reveal one of your xmas gifts - I'm much to smart for that).  Anyway, we were at the mall and in order to preemptively combat the effects of Cerebral Malsey that Sean suffers from we decided to get some New York Fries before venturing into the crowds.  A full stomach always helps those who suffer from mallsea (mall induced nausea).

While we were eating and people-watching we realized that New York Fries had bestowed upon us not only perfectly fried french fries, but also a holiday gift!  A tray liner that turned into an "a magical holiday decoration". 

First, you scowl because your wife is wasting precious mall time on garbage...

Then you read and follow the instructions after decorating the paper with ketchup, salt, pepper and grease...

Then you have a "magical decoration"!  Ta daaaaaaaa!

Then this happened...

Front Page News...

Thunder Bay cops bust someone for money posession - and a little weed too.

The whole thing went a little something like this...

Santa Clause is Coming, Er, Came to Town

Ah, Christmas.  A time full of mirth and merriment (otherwise known as "cheer").  There are Santas popping up all over the place, including this creepy "peeping Santa" that is attached to some industrial shop by Intercity mall.  It's hard to tell, but he's looking off to the right.  To me, it looks like he's conspiring.  Conspiring to sweep your mom off her feet and turn her into a reindeer on xmas eve.

This Santa reminds me that anything in a larger-than-life size is kind of scary.  I know - Santa is already the biggest, reddest, hairiest, loudest man in the world other than the members of ZZ Top, but there is something about a 20 foot tall Santa that gives me the woogies. 

It reminds me of the Stay Puft marshmallow man from ghostbusters.

Look at those New Yorkers running in fear.  Run, New Yorkers, Run - lest he smite you with sugary goodness on Gozer the Gozarian's whim.

Every year, parents all over the world smite their children by making them sit on Santa's lap and some brilliant blogger has made all that terror and pleading available to the masses in a few easy clicks of the mouse on SketchySantas.com.  "Sketchy Santas" posts pictures of nightmares in the making.  If you have any sketchy Santa photos in your collection, I highly recommend that you send them in.  Perhaps your childhood nightmare could make some hipster's day.

By the power vested in me, I hereby declare this ice cream delicious

Oh for the love of ice cream.  T-Bay is home to the one and only Merla Mae.  Well, ok - there's one in London, ON too, but I saw some earwigs there once so it's clearly not as good as the one in T Bay.  Now that you're being driven wild by anticipation, I'll deliver the goods.  Merla Mae is an ice cream joint in T Bay that makes its own ice cream and wonderfully greasy burgers and stuff.

Anna, who is usually subdued, was so excited by our trip to Merla Mae last spring that she made the face in the pic below and then voraciously devoured the hot fudge sundae in her hand.  Tobey and I were terrified, yet impressed.

Merla Mae has now closed for the winter.  Hibernating like a bear.  Rest assured Merla Mae - we will be there when you awaken from your dairy-induced coma, ready to fill your pockets with chrome of baller proportions.

It's a little known fact, but the following song was originally written about going to Merla Mae, but the record execs forced a change to the lyrics because "the club" had a wider target audience.  The Man...always keeping Thunder Bay down.

Earwigs are unlikely to cause an affinity for Star Trek

Thunder Bay was overrun by polar bears last summer (well - it was cold enough for polar bears to survive in T Bay last summer), but even worse than the threat of polar bears dining on your sweet, environmentally destructive flesh were the earwigs that occupied every crevice and crack in your life.  Well...maybe not every crack and crevice but a lot of crevices and cracks.

Pictured below is an earwig (I named him "Wiggy") who decided it was a good idea to hang out in the corner by our bedroom.  WRONG.  EARWIG SURVIVAL FAIL.  He was swiftly and deftly dealt with.

T Bay had an unseasonably cold and wet summer which led to record high earwig populations.  There was even a article in the paper about it that.  The article was suspiciously non-committal regarding the correlation between earwigs and insanity.  Statements like "earwigs are unlikely to crawl into the brain via the ear and cause insanity" and "madness is probably not the result of an earwig bite" made me question the credibility of the article.  Seriously T-Bay reporter?  Did that scene from Wrath of Khan disturb you so much that there is a part of you that hesitates to flat out state that earwigs do not crawl in your ear and cause insanity?  I liked Chekov too, but his performance wasn't THAT convincing.

Ceti Eels - they're not even real.  I bet a real day in space would be more like this...

Another reason why my family is amazing

This is an etching that my brother did while he was in public school.  My mom put it in this thoughtful frame and gave it to him as a present.

Reach for the stars, demon reaper!  MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Who's Featured at Centerfolds?

She's baaaaaaaaack!

Lindsay Lohand is once again headlining at Centerfolds.  I didn't take a new picture - I just reused the old one because I believe in recycling.  I challenge you to save a digital tree today like I did!!

T-Bay Barbie - Now With More Snowmobiles

Remember when Barbie thought math was hard and decided to make some cookies for the boys insead of doing her homework? Well this is where she ended up.

How has this store in T-Bay not received a cease-and-desist order from Mattel?

Back alleys - more that just litter and urine stains

I Found this behind an old warehouse in T-Bay.

What was I doing behind an old warehouse?  It's none of your business, but I was doing yoga.  And, no - my hobo stab insurance policy isn't up-to-date.

Now, tell me what you realy think

One day last winter I wasn't able to get into my parking spot due to heavy snowfall and general tire shittiness, so I parked in the church parking lot next door to the apartment I was renting.  In the morning I found this...

My car was actually tiny enough to get out of this tight space.  I found out later that the caretaker at the church wanted to tell me I couldn't park there.  Actions speak louder than words.

Who's Featured at Centerfolds?

Napoleon Dynamite Exists - And He's Calling from Inside the House!!

Remember when you watched Napoleon Dynamite and you screamed and buried your face into your mother's ample bosom and you made her promise that he was make-believe and she shhhhhh'd you and rocked you and you cried yourself to sleep? 

Well - she lied.  Not about the fact that the monkeymen from planet of the apes weren't real.  Not about the fact that there wasn't a witch under your bed that would grab your feet as you stepped toward the bed.  Not about the fact that the Incredible Hulk was just a deaf guy in makeup. 

What she lied about was the possibility that anyone could turn out as nerdy...as...this...

http://www.sexypeople-blog.com/2009/09/marc.html

Who's Featured at Centerfolds?

Overheard at Safeway

A number of "Overheard at [insert populous and relatable location here]" websites have popped up over the last few years.  Popular with cynics and people who think they are smarter than the average man/womyn on the street, "Overheard at..." sites quote things others overhear while going about their day to day business.  For instance, Overheard in New York (http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/) recently posted the following:

Girl sitting with friends listening to music: Ohmigod, the guy who sings this song is sooooooo ugly!
Friend: Really?
Girl: My family said I look like him.

and the successor to Overheard at Western (http://overheardatwestern.blogspot.com/), Eavesdrop Western (http://eavesdropwestern.blogspot.com/) recently posted the following:

A group of first year girls are talking about getting good fake IDs
Girl#1: I think it's really awesome if you can get your sibling's ID, cause then they usually look like you, and you already know all of the information.
Girl#2: Oh my god, you know what would be amazing?! If you could get your twin's ID! They would look EXACTLY like you!

I overheard something the other day at the grocery store that has caused me to consider starting my own website entitled "Overheard at Safeway":

Guy #1, while looking at what looks like a shopping list or a recipe: Should we get fresh garlic or garlic powder?
Guy #2: We could just get fresh garlic and break it up to get the powder out.

Escape Capades

I know this blog is very close to becoming a blog that should be called "Cat Superiority Complex", but whatever.  My cats are important and happen to be the newly-discovered center of the universe, so drink them up while hearing about them is still free.

As I've reported before, our cat Robo is a little escape/con artist who we keep on a leash when he's unsupervised in the back yard.  The leash doesn't keep him in the yard, but it keeps him from wandering off when he leaves the yard.  I bought a safety harness that he can escape from if he gets hung up on something, and it proved its value the other day.  That's right Robo - continue to be shamed.

I looked out the window to make sure he was still in the yard, and lo and behold, he wasn't. When I find that he has picked all the yard's locks, my next step is to follow the leash in the hopes that there is a little white cat on the other end.  In this case, the harness was empty.  He hadn't wandered far.  He was in the yard behind our house, which was odd because that yard is usually occupied by what we have dubbed "the hell hound".  It's a super old dog that, in my opinion, looks like one of the hell hounds from Willow, starring none other than a baby Tobey Meyer (Tobey is a T-Bay pal for all you non-T-Bayers).  You can see one of the fearsome canines run through a scene near the beginning of the trailer.

Before Robo got out of his harness to go visit the dog from Hades, he seemed to have quite an adventure in the tree in the laneway. Check out his escape route through the sapling beside our yard.



It's like he grew wings or something.  Robo...have you been drinking Red Bull?

Well, Look Who Came Crawling Back With an Apology?

As I left the house the other day I spotted Pepe, the killer cat, in our front bushes.  I decided to exact my revenge by shaking the bushes, stomping, clapping really loud and making our yard generally terrifying for Pepe.  I chased him across the road to his yard (after making sure there was no traffic, of course).  I'm sure anyone who witnessed this spectacle now thinks I'm crazy.

I decided to scare him right onto his own property and as I was going in for delivery of the final clapping-stomping-yelling scare, he cocked his little head and went "mew?  mew?".  My heart melted and then this happened.



Another kitten video for all you kitten lovers.  KITTENS!

Who's Featured at Centerfolds?

I'm introducing a new element to Lake Superiority Complex.  It's called "Who's Featured at Centerfolds?".
Centerfolds is the local gentlemen's club in T-Bay and they advertise their featured dancer on their marquee.  I won't add any commentary on most of the posts in this new element.  The pictures tend to speak to themselves.  Also, I don't want any bikers or naked people after me - I'm having enough of an issue with the neighborhood cats. 

I didn't get a picture of it, but a couple of weeks ago the featured dancer was named "Swix", which is really funny because Swix is a popular brand of nordic ski wax and T Bay is a huge nordic ski centre in Canada.  Maybe someday there will be a featured dancer named "Salomon" or "Fischer".

Without further ado, here's the first installment of "Who's Featured at Centerfolds?"

I'm also considering adding an element called "What's A&W Advertising?" because their local marquee is pretty funny too.  Right now it says "BABY SIRLOIN TWINS".  I'm sure they could have come up with something that sounds a little less infanticidal.

Don't Trust the Six Finger'd Cat

I was trying to think of a funny way to introduce this, but I'll just come right out and say it because I think it's funny enough on its own - I was attacked by a neighborhood cat on the weekend.  You're probably saying to yourself, "that's not funny at all", but you would have laughed if you heard me shriek like Nellie Oleson in a mudfight when the attack happened.

Robo and our neighbor's cat, Pepe, were having a "cat-chat" in the laneway behind our house. 

Robo was on his leash, but not unlike the Poky Little Puppy and his siblings, he had left our yard by wriggling under the fence.When I came near to them, Pepe approached me and was purring and winding around my legs like he usually does when he wants to be pet.  So I leaned over him and started petting him.  Out of nowhere, he jumped up and wraped himself around my head - well, at least it felt that way.  He ended up putting a gash in my eyelid...

a couple of wounds on my neck (one of which is a deep puncture wound)...

 another smaller puncture wound on my shoulder and a scrape on my cheek a la Inigo Montoya.

I swear on Vizzini's grave that if that Count Rugen of a cat comes around our place again, I will fight it with a lightsabre.



Man.  The only person who says, "my name is..." more than good old Inigo is Slim Shady.

Home is Where Your Keyboard Is

As most of you know, I travel frequently for work, but life as a jet setter is coming to an end soon.  I've accepted a job that will allow me to work from home full time and I'll only have to travel once every couple of months rather than every couple of weeks.  Now I'll be able to wear my jammies for months at a time rather than just weeks at a time.  Just think of the money I'll save on clothes, laundry, bathing, grooming, caring, generalized anxiety disorder medication and all the other things that makes a person respected by peers and strangers alike.

For those of you who have been watching too much Mad Men - No, my home office doesn't look like this...

...although, I will admit that flitting around the house all day in a crinoline and heels, pulling roast after roast out of a goldenrod oven looks mighty tempting.  I'll wait until Sean's done med school before I invest in frilly white gloves with the sole purpose of protecting my hands while concurrently smoking and vacuuming.

In my old job, I acted as a consultant for people and helped them out with their work problems.  Most of their problems were low on the scale compared to some other people's problems (see Gary Busey or Rwandan Genocide), but everyone's wants and needs in life is relative to their reality, right?  When I considered showing the following "public service announcement" to help people understand the downside of pursuing a promotion for which they are not prepared, I figured it was time to move on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeR_gYW90_E&feature=related

Thanks Sam Raimi - now we know...and knowing is half the battle.

All disgruntled grandma curses and cursing Englishmen aside, I loved my job, but it was time to try something new.  Now I'm fixing stuff instead of people, which is waaaaay more straight-forward.  It's like the difference between fixing a car using tools vs fixing a car by listening to it, giving it suggestions and providing moral support.

In preparation for my home-based workforce of one, I've purchased a sturdy yet comfortable fat man hat and I plan on washing it many times a day due to the sweat that will pour into it from my brow as I toil.  I've also purchased Dom DeLuise's seminal novel, "How to Live Large and Laze Hard".  Snoopers has been practicing his tried and true methods for years now and it has brought him great success in the category of "lounging".

Can you see the resemblance?

So You Think You Can Produce Vitamin D, Canada?

Did the sun come up this morning where you live?  Really?  Because I swear the sun hasn't come up in Thunder Bay for two days, and when it was up, it was only up for, like, 20 minutes.

 

What's next?  Locust?  Rivers turning into blood?  The dead rising from their graves? 

Never before have I longed so much for Eastern Daylight Time to get the hell outta town.  I knew those long summer evenings in Thunder Bay when the sun didn't set until 11pm wouldn't go unpunished.  Newton's 3rd Law - for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  What Newton failed to mention is that sometimes that equal and opposite reaction totally sucks.

Sadface emoticon.