It's Official...

...I'm allergic to grass. I cut the lawn last Sunday for the first time ever. Now, many of you may be thinking, "wow - Sean cut the grass the whole time they were living there. What a hero", but in actuality, until Sunday, I had never used a lawnmower in my life. When I was living with my parents, my Dad took pride in his lawn and mowed it himself. When I moved out I didn't have a lawn to mow (with the exception of our place on Karen Walk that Matt MacKinnon "mowed" with a weed whacker after we got a notice from the city). Once I had completed my virgin voyage, I noticed little red bumps all over my arms, legs and neck. And then they started itching like mad. Then I vowed never to cut the grass again. Sorry, Sean. It's the truth. I've noticed in the past that I've been itchy after sitting in the grass, but I always thought that I was getting bitten by something or that I was sensitive to the pesticides or something. Now I know that it's just the grass. ITCH!!!!
Once I was done cutting the grass, I took some pictures of the shrubs in our back yard (pasted below with a couple of embellishments).

The Funny Things Overheard & Said

I think I'm tuning into other people's conversations because I have so few conversations of my own these days, so I'm overhearing a lot out there on the street. I also said something to Snoopers yesterday that blew my mind, so I figured it was time to blog about a few of the thing I've overheard recently. If you like these, check out http://overheardatwestern.blogspot.com.

Overheard at Pizza Pizza on University & King:
Two gentlemen, who can only be described as "Dudes" or "McClarens" (the name Sean and I use to describe backwards baseball cap-wearing, sports team-loyal, generic guys who have no brain in their head and use the term "fag" as a name to call someone that they don't like...or perhaps have a secret and shameful crush on).
McClaren 1: Dude - is it totally bush league if I get a slice of cheese pizza?
McClaren 2: Why would you do that? Look at all these different kinds?
McClaren 1: Yeah - I'll probably get a Bacon-Double-Cheeseburger slice
Translation:
McClaren 1: I feel that you will judge me for having an opinion that is different from yours.
McClaren 2: I will
McClaren 1: Alright - I will bend to your will and continue to be disappointed with life

In an Exercise Class at the Gym:
Instructor: Ladies! This exercise will target your glutes and we all know that means butt and thighs. When you don't exercise these muscles, bad things happen. Think "the effects of gravity", think "cellulite"!
Maggie's Immediate Thoughts:

• You can't fight gravity. It's a constant on our planet. Ask a scientist or anyone who has ever tried to fly without the aid of an aircraft aka crazy people. Even crazy people are aware on some fundamental level that you can't fight gravity. If you want to fight gravity, start building a rocket ship so that you can live in space.
• I've had cellulite on my thighs and butt since I was in highschool when my glutes were worked out on a daily basis and I had a body that most women would die for. My glutes were so well exercised that they could probably beat up your dad...but they still had cellulite.
  
• Only one thing gets rid of cellulite without surgery. It's called Anorexia Nervosa and I simply don't have time to die of starvation. I have a frigging wedding to plan!
• Don't try to trick these women into thinking they can sculpt perfect bodies through exercise. Most of the women that do these classes are over the age of 30 and their bodies are in various states of decline. The instructor would be better off to tell us about the health benefits of working a major muscle group, or the anti-osteoperosis qualities of a weight-bearing exercise routine, but no - she chooses to focus on vanity instead of general health. No wonder people hate gyms.

She wants us to believe that we too can look as good as the woman below...


Me to Snoopers on Saturday morning:
When Snoopers is hungry, he meows in a way that sounds very much like yelling and it's really quite offensive. Yesterday morning when he was "yelling at me", I said to him (because I talk to my cats), "Jesus, Snoopers. I can tell that you're hungry because of your incessant emailing". I meant "meowing", but instead I said "emailing". If only my cats had the ability to email me. I wonder what they'd say...

Supposedly...

I heard a rumour that I could post text and photos to my blog via email. Just checking to see if that's true.
If this works, you should see a photo of a child's drawing we saw at a restaurant. I think I prefer my Daddy to this kid's Daddy. My daddy has less hair, but also doesn't have sharp, vampire-like teeth.

Things I'm Gonna Miss...Starting with Good Grammar

Sean and I are making an offer on a house in T-Bay on Monday so moving to the North is feeling really close and after much cleaning, de-junking, and de-funking, we're also ready to sell our house. Over the last three weekends I devoted much time to getting things in order so that we can do some private showings and then list the house if that doesn't work out.
Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your priest in confession. We're selling and taking offers.

There's a bunch of stuff that I'm going to miss about living at 127 Wood. Here's my list. I'm going to miss the following...

• Impromptu visits from local friends, like the ones below.
  

• The migration of bazillions of seagulls over our house every night at around 7pm. They're flying back from their day job at the dump to their home at the factory near our house. They sprinkle loving gull-dust on our car. It's how they show they care.
• Having a good excuse for not going out on the weekends - "sorry, we have to paint. Hey - want to help?" "sorry, we have to meticulously scrape paint off the wall that we will soon rip out - do you want to help?" Sorry, we have to clean up after our evil water softener or water heater, because they're currently spraying hot and/or soft water all over our possessions. Please, dear god, come over and help us"
  
  
  
  
• The fact that we could use the tip-in feature of our windows to clean them, but really - who cleans their windows?
• Having a 10 minute drive to work or an 8 minute bike to work
• Having a 10 minute drive home from work or an 8 minute bike home from work
• Vincenzo's! Do you think that Kahlua Toffee Bars would be able to make it through the federal mail system without tasting like dissatisfaction and burgeoning rage when they arrive?
• Being only an hour's drive from all the stores that I wish I shopped at, but don't? American Apparel, LuluLemon, MEC, H&M, etc. It's not that I shop at those stores regularly, but I could if I wanted to. All that choice will go away, and y'all know how I feel about choice.
  
• Jane Bond and the fact that the bartenders will make me fun drinks with secrets in them when I say, "Just make me something delicious in a martini glass".
• Katie 'n Wayne and the special time they're going through...'nuff said.
• All our So'Ont friends who we neglect to make an effort to see, but will wish that we did
  
• Watching the garden sprout, then grow, then take over the back yard.
• The Moscow Cat Circus next time it comes to town, because I guarantee they're not making a stop in Thunder Bay.
• Herrle's corn, and various other local produce products
• Relatively cheap gas - screw Ike - the gas in Thunder Bay is, and has always been, 1.36/liter
  
• Humidity - wait...
• Having a social life
  

My list could go on and on, but I'm tired and my fingers really want to go to sleep.

Before I go, I figure it's about time to put up some "Before" and "After" clips as we're about to put our house on the market. These clips illustrate all the work we've done on the house.

Before

The tour of the house starts at about the 4 minute 18 second mark.

After




PS - while searching to find that "Before" clip, I found this alternate ending to the movie. It's brilliant in its balance of simplicity and subtlety.

My Cats Are Jerks, But the Band "Heart" Are Not

My friend Sarah took me to see Cheap Trick, Heart and Journey on Friday night. It was awesome. Heart was especially awesome. They can still rock out and they played all their hits. They also played "Love, Reign O'er Me" by The Who and "Going to California" by Led Zeppelin. The only disappointing part is that Heart didn't totally "Kick it Out" (pun intended) during the song "Alone". They kept the song pretty subdued despite many opportunities and teasers that led the crowd to believe that they were going to let loose during that song. How do I get Heart alone???

Sarah and I were going Crazy on Them. I'm giving the proper rock hand, but Sarah looks like she's in the "WHAZZZUUUUUUUUP" commercial.



Here's a picture of Ann and Nancy from Heart slumming it with Fergie. Fergie Ferg must have jumped up on stage unexpectedly. I refuse to believe that that Heart would stoop so low that they would knowingly perform with her. Look at the perplexed look on Ann's face? "WTF, Nancy - who is this talentless hack?"

I got some shaky video and pictures. I forgot my camera, so all I had was my BlackBerry. Here are two pictures of the screens.



Here's a video of the Wolf sisters, who refuse to ever stop believin'



We didn't see much of Cheap Trick, as they went on right at 7, and we were still in line. Heart was awesome...did I say that already? Journey, unfortunately, played only a few of their hits. Most of the songs they played were off their more recent albums (snore) and they totally jumped the shark when they played "Don't Stop Believin'" about 3 songs into their set. At least they saved "Any Way You Want It" for one of the last songs. We were all in agreement that Heart should have headlined. Steve Perry didn't tour with Journey (perhaps he knows when to let go?), so they had this tiny dude that sounded just like Steve Perry, but he looked kind of like Taboo from Black Eyed Peas.



Whoa - two BEP references in one post. I'd better stop typing soon. This post is getting dangerously close to being shitty.

The people-watching was absolutely amazing. I hope that VICE magazine attended the event with the intention of devoting their next Dos and Don'ts section to the concert. The crowd was a panoply of people ranging from young 20-somethings who have lost track of irony to people who were frozen in carbonite by Darth Vadar the moment they finished watching Empire Strikes Back in the theatre in 1980 and now they've been unfrozen just in time for the Cheap Trick, Heart and Journey concert. I wish I had brought my camera, because there were some choice characters. We got the biggest kick out of the people who seemed like they hadn't gone to a large event in years and made the most out of it, complete with "mom dancing" and "drunk uncle swaggers". The dude in the blue jacket below almost fell on Sarah all night. Some may look at that sentence and say that it must be grammatically incorrect, but rest assured, he was in the process of falling on Sarah all night, but he didn't seem to once tip over all the way. The other picture below was of a 50-something woman air guitaring SO HARD. I thought that her pants were going to start on fire.



There were lots of scrunchies as well.



Is my name Michael J Fox? Because, it was like back to the future, but without that 60's malt shop and Drapes vs Squares charm.

Then I came home to this...

Jerks!!

Close Encounters

Yesterday at the house, we had a totally new wildlife experience. We were visited by a new friend named Blossom! Now, before you assume it was Blossom from the hit TV show of the same name and ask "Did her brother Joey show up?", I'm going to spare you the foolish feeling that you're barreling toward and tell you that it wasn't that Blossom. It was Robo's new friend, Blossom the Possum. Robo and Blossom were playing a dangerous game called "let's kill one another", which didn't last very long and fortunately didn't get played out to the bitter end. I broke up the standoff and ruined all the fun.

Here are some pics of Blossom and Blossom. They kind of look alike - pointy nose, heads shrouded in foliage. They're like sisters, really. In the words of Joey Lawrence, "whoa!"





No real news to report regarding my move to T-Bay. Sean looked at a few houses, but none of them were up to snuff. I'm thinking that we should just build a house out of used medical supplies and amputated limbs. It would be kind of like those weird crypts with all the bones, but our house/crypt would be made of syringes and speculums (speculai?) and facemasks and stuff. I wonder whether we'd have any trouble getting a building permit?