The Opposite of Homeless

What is the opposite of "homeless"? "Homeful"?

If that's the case, I sadly found myself "homeful" about a month ago. Sean and I returned from our vacation at Big White (which was amazing, by the way - thanks for asking) on a Saturday around midnight. We had a lazy day at the house on Sunday and then I was set to work at home the next week. That was the week that my lost my senses and became "homeful" - I didn't leave the house at all from Sunday to Friday! My senses slowly returned over the course of the week.

Smell - I realized on Wednesday of my work from home week that I hadn't showered since Sunday
Taste - I realized on Thursday that I had been wearing the same PJamz pants and t-shirt round the clock since Monday
Hearing - I didn't hear Sean's hints that maybe I need to sit on a special pillow so I wouldn't get bedsores or ulcers on my pressure points
Touch - You know you're out of touch with reality when you realize it's Friday and you haven't left the house since Saturday!!!

Sight - On Friday I saw the light...the natural light, that is

...and this is what I looked like that week before I came to my senses...BRAINS!!!

I have since made sure that I get out of the house during my work-from-home weeks. I don't want to end up being like the Edies from Grey Gardens.

If I did turn into one of the Edies, I wonder who would play me...Jessica Lange or Drew Barrymore?

Actually, Pete Doherty would be my preference.

In an abrupt turn of topic, I'd like to take a moment to talk about Michael McDonald. Now, I'm not talking about the Michael McDonald of MadTV fame (or shame, depending on how you feel about MadTV). I'm talking about the dove-voiced, floppy-haired, blue-eyed, soulful singer of Doobie Brothers and solo fame. I'm always amazed when I meet someone who doesn't know who Michael McDonald is, because he has somehow stood the test of time when it comes to parody. I don't know exactly what it is about Michael McDonald's voice, but it has some unique and comedic quality that I can't quite put my finger on, but attention to that comedic quality has been drawn upon on over many years to make funny moments funnier since before the days when I was too mesmerized by the dead eyed children from the Circle Square ranch to notice.

Here's a live performance of "What a Fool Believes", one of the most well known of MM's songs to set the baseline for those of you who don't know what MM's voice sounds like. If you're not familiar with this song, I have to ask, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Now here are some examples of the parodies of MM through the ages

SCTV



Conan O'Brien (this is my all-time favourite)



Sound clip from "40 Year Old Virgin"

Jimmy Fallon Show (you'll have to suffer through some John Mayer impressions before the MM gold begins)

30 Rock



Needless to day, he's everywhere and if you ask him to pick you up from the bar because you're too drunk to drive home, you know that he'll say "Yah mo B there".

PS - while I was looking for the opposite of "homeless", I decided to do a google images search on the word "opulent". I thought these image hits were amusing.

Team Opulent? I would have suggested "Team Homely"



Now, seriously. How many legs does a chair need? I'm having trouble deciding whether I think this chair is greedy because it has too many legs or if I feel bad for the legs because they don't have enough seats to go around.

Unexpected Visitor

No - I'm not pregnant, despite the excitement that the title of this post may have caused.





Apologies for the lack of posts lately. I wish I had a good excuse, but there hasn't been anything interesting happening.

We did have an unexpected visitor on the weekend though. Remember Blossom the Possom? Blossom visited us at our old house in Kitchener, but has not visited us in Thunder Bay. She says she's waiting for better weather, but I don't think she'll acutally visit. She has a new boyfriend, so we don't hear from her much anymore.

On Saturday morning, Sean commented that Robo had been preoccupied with the fireplace for the last couple of days. I suggested that it was just wind coming down the chimney and stirring the ashes, but Sean and Robo decided to do some more investigation.



This is how much Snoopers cared about the investigation...Borrrrrring



While Professor Cat and his lab assistant were conducting their analysis, Sean yelped and exclaimed, "Whoa! There's something in there"!! Upon further inspection, Sean realized he was nose to nose with a bird. So we had a bird in our fireplace. What do you do when you realize you have a bird in your fireplace. Call your ornithologically inspired friends. We called our friend James. He must have tought we were crazy. He's a bird watcher, not a bird rescue unit. He didn't know what to do. We called Sean's dad. He said we have three options:

• Close the flue and let it die slowly
• Light a fire and kill it quickly
• Open the fireplace and hope for the best

We chose option three because we disagree for the killing of birds (except if we then bake it and feast on its flesh and skin).

At the point when we opened the fireplace door, the bird had flown up into the chimney and we weren't sure if it was still even in there. Per Sean's dad's advice, we started hoping for the best.

Within a minute or so I heard Sean whoop again, because the bird had flown out of the fireplace straight at his his head. It flapped around the window a bit and then got caught in the curtains. That's when the video started rolling.

Here's a picture of the bird and a picture of the bird poop it left on our window frame. Don't feel bad, birdie. You're not the first guest to shit themselves at our house, but usually it's due to laughter or drug use.

Note, that Sean and I used to be under the impression that we're people who can react to situations appropriately. This situation proved otherwise. Emergency medicine is definitely out of the cards for Sean. We reacted about as well as the folks in this horrifying bird attack video (auntie P - you may not want to watch this)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt8RDjlx9V8

I guess it was a learning experience.

• Learning #1 - if you're going to let a bird loose in your house, close all the blinds because the sound of a bird flying into a plate of glass is not pretty
• Learning #2 - Do not try to pick up a bird with your bare hands. It's impossible. And you may get avian bird flu
• Learning #3 - Your fiance is a man despite the fact that he screams like a lady

In other relatively uninteresting news, I found a 1-up hidden in the woods by the highway.

And I found out that people from Manitoba are not afraid to unabashedly "one up" the fishing in Ontario. Well, FU Manitoba!! I'm not sure who you're referring to as the "Manitoba Monster" on that billboard. Is it the fish or is it that hideous creature that's holding it?




I just realized where I know that bird from!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBLhYLAfozU&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo%2Egoogle%2Eca%2Fvideosearch%3Fhl%3Den%26um%3D1%26q%3Dclarice%2520starling%26ie%3DUTF%2D8%26sa%3DN%26tab%3Div&feature=player_embedded

Q: How many Silence of the Lambs references can one blog have?

A: You can never have enough. It's such a light-hearted romp.

Lousy Smarch Weather

From http://www.weather.ca/ this morning.

WINTER STORM WARNING: City of Thunder Bay

Issued at 11:39 AM EDT TUESDAY 10 MARCH 2009
MAJOR SNOWSTORM BEGINNING THIS AFTERNOON NEAR THE INTERNATIONAL BORDER..AND OVER ALL THE ABOVE REGIONS THIS EVENING. NEAR BLIZZARD CONDITIONS EXPECTED. THIS IS A WARNING THAT DANGEROUS WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE IMMINENT OR OCCURRING IN THESE REGIONS. MONITOR WEATHER CONDITIONS..LISTEN FOR UPDATED STATEMENTS.
AN INTENSE COLORADO LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM IS EXPECTED TO SWEEP ACROSS THE GREAT LAKES THIS EVENING AND MOVE THROUGH CENTRAL AND NORTHERN ONTARIO BY WEDNESDAY MORNING. IN GENERAL SNOWFALL AMOUNTS OF 25 TO 40 CENTIMETRES ARE EXPECTED WITH THIS STORM ESPECIALLY ALONG A SWATH EXTENDING FROM NORTHWESTERN SHORES OF LAKE SUPERIOR TO KAPUSKASING. EXTENSIVE BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW ARE ALSO FORECAST GIVING NEAR BLIZZARD CONDITIONS AT TIMES. HEAVY SNOWFALL WILL START TAPERING OFF FROM THE THUNDER BAY ATIKOKAN AND VICINITY REGIONS OVERNIGHT AND FROM THE REST OF THE WARNED REGIONS WEDNESDAY MORNING.

I'm in Waterloo this week, thank goodness.

We all remember what happened last time there was lousy Smarch weather...

Homer accidentally turned up the thermostat causing Groundskeeper Willy to turn into an homage to everyone's favourite neighborhood bad guy (Freddy Krueger) and Katie, Wayne, Sarah and I invented a horrible girlie drink called "The Tool Belt" out of scraps of booze from my liquor cabinet. It made me vomit.

You can watch the Simpsons episode referenced above at the link below (in Russian at minute 6:35). I wonder how you say "lousy Smarch weather" in Russian? Fortunately, there's no video footage of me getting re-acquainted with my Tool Belt.

http://rutube.ru/tracks/1078179.html

PS - for more entertainment in the realm of random, check out the google images results for "Lousy Smarch Weather". It's been a while since I've seen such a specific query return such random results.

Sean - let us know if you need any help digging out. We'll mail you a tool belt.

WIFE SWAP!! Hot Pork Sandwich Edition

A few weekends ago (the day after Valentines Day), I starred in an upcoming episode of WIFE SWAP!!

While Sean and our newly acquired friend Sarah studied for their med school exams, Sarah's husband and I went WIFE SWAPPING...I mean SNOW FUNNING!! The episode will never be aired because the swappers got along too well and then the two couples ate Beef Borguianon at the end of the day unlike the unfortunate wife swappers below.

A couple of the runs at Lutsen had amusing names.

If "Caroline's Challenge" is anything like Caroline in the City, the run is full of wacky neighbors and introspective loathing.

Brule Run!!! For your health!!

Brules Rules - Funny home videos are a click away

"Hot Pork Sandwich", "Gooney Birds" & "Cats Under the Stars" and the bassist from "Kung Fu Hippies".

Kimber from Jem & the Holograms on the Keytar...

Glenn Danzig on vocals (hopefully he and Kimber can put aside their differences from his days with The Misfits).

Glenn is backed by the ladies from "Hot Sundaes". Hopefully Jesse has kicked that caffiene habit. Glenn doesn't tolerate any substances in the band.



and Miley Cyrus on drums

My cousin Fiora is the band manager and I am their evil overlord who will lure them into a world of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll never fathomed by our grandparents or your creepy uncles.