Last night I dreamed that I visited my parents house and when I got there, there was a giant two-headed alligator in the house.
I assumed at that point that the alligator had eaten the cats and that it was going to try to eat me, so I ran upstairs into my parents' bedroom, climbed out the window onto our sunporch roof and called animal control. They said they'd be a while. When asked how long they'd be, they said, "A while!" in a really impatient, snippy tone. Also, the phone I called on was a really old cordless.
When animal control finally arrived, I went back into the house and they were finger-printing my mom, because they had suspicions that she was the one who ate the cats.
And, no, she didn't look like this. That would have made way too much sense.
I put some pretty ridonkulous things on our wedding registry including the Shamwow, Roomba and the crowning glory of wedding decadance - the Snuggie. What is a Snuggie? Well, you may know it by it's alternate name - The Slanket. Still confused? This video will explain the wonders of the Snuggie to you.
Some lucky bastard is gettin' rich because he accidentally put his bathrobe on backward when he was high on PCP and in that drug addled moment he thought, "I'm onto something here with this backward bathrobe thing" and then he thought, "that duck with the dinosaur head and top hat sure can dispense sound advice".
It was actually my friend Dave you pointed out that the Snuggie is just a bathrobe or housecoat worn backward. Now the Snuggie just seems idiotic, as illustrated in this video:
Alas - I still love my Snuggie. Whether I'm using it as a barrier to keep Robo's ass juice off of me or if I need a coat of some sort to wear around the house or after a bath, I know my Snuggie is there for me.
Now if only there was another completely obvious household item that I could employ for using my laptop outdoors! Oh wait, that exists.
I'm going to start calling my ratty old used toothbrushes "The Master Crevice Scourer" and market them as a tiny brush for small spaces. $39.95 for 2, but if you order now, you'll get three! Any venture caps out there with some money to burn? I'm ready for the Dragon's Den.
As some of you know, our cat "Robocop" is a special animal who can't walk in a straight line and frequently fails to land on his feet like any other normal cat. In addition to having some general balance issues, he has also developed another problem that causes him to leak what we affectionately refer to as "ass juice" when he's sleeping or cuddled up with me in bed (never with Sean though...I am the sole recipient of ass juice deposits brought on by snuggling). The vet calls this leakage "inappropriate anal expression". I call it "disgusting", yet I still let him cuddle under the covers with me.
Despite his inability to walk in a straight line and land on his feet, sometimes Robo does amazing things that seem to defy gravity, like the following two videos in which he defies the laws of physics.
Robo loves to roll all over warm concrete and he discovered that the one windowsill in our back yard gets nice and warm in the sun, so he did what anyone would do. He rolled all over it. If cats could moan, I'm sure he'd be moaning while soaking up all that precious heat from the ledge.
I can not figure out how the cat that can't keep from sliding off a lap and landing on his skull doesn't fall off a narrow window ledge while rolling all over it.
Here's another video for good measure where he did fall, but miraculously didn't land on his head.
He was totally stoned on catnip in that video, man. Totally...do you know what I love? Brown sauce, man. Yeah. It's so...brown. Yeah. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Brown. It's like all the colours combined into one, supercolour. Like if all the people on the earth made one colour, it would be Brown man. Yeah. Brown.
I always thought that in order to be elite, you needed to come from good breeding...
own a bluetooth headset...
and be a total jerk...
I've learned that this is not the case. You only need two of the three attributes I listed - plus a crapload of aeroplan points. Luckily I have a bluetooth headset (no, I do not wear it constantly, but doing that would ensure that you understand how in demand I am), I am a total jerk (only to those who deserve it) and according to aeroplan I have enough points to be considered "elite" under their rewards program. You are probably saying to yourself, "so what...you just get a luggage tag that makes you better than everyone else on the plane. What's so great about that?" Well, let me tell you. As a member of aeroplan with "Elite" status, I get a bunch of upgrade coupons that I'll never use. Seriously - who buys an upgradable ticket? Also - I get 8 of them and they expire on Feb 28, 2010. Will I really be buying that many upgradeable tickets before then? I may be elite, but I'm no Thurston Howell III. Perhaps I'll buy a bus ticket and attempt to use 4 of the coupons to upgrade to air travel or I'll go all out and use all 8 to upgrade to time travel.
I also get a few Air Canada lounge guest passes that I'll never use because I travel solo and guests have to be with someone who has a lounge membership in order to use the pass.
Now that I'm elite, I plan to stop tolerating the Gilligans of the world and I will use my elite connections and stealthy business acumen to get me out of all sorts of trouble - like perhaps breaking out of a jail made of bamboo.
Would I get one phone call on the coconut phone while in bamboo jail? I think I would call "The Professor".
I decided to split our trip to Nidya Lake into two entries, because the original was getting long and boring a la Lord of the Rings. Lake of fire this, from whence it came that. Ugh - epic. Speaking of epics, we had a Harry Potter moment at the camp.
We found a Sorting Hat.
You remember the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.
Sean tried to sort us into our various houses, but failed because we were all too busy fighting over who got to be the Quidditch captain. If you're unsure of what Quidditch is, watch this video.
I found this news piece to be exceptionally entertaining because it takes a rare combination of nerdiness and athleticism to pull together a Quidditch team. I'm actually surprised that a group of jocks with absolutely no interest in the mythology behind the game hasn't pulled a team together in order to dominate the nerds - just because they could. And man...it would be so easy. Did you see that team from McGill? It's easy to find the square root of their dorkiness.
We saw some interesting bug-life (no, not Thug Life) at camp, including this weird lobster-tailed bee and lots of GIGANTIC dragonflies.
The dragonflies were feasting on the mosquitoes and black flies. I saw a dragonfly land on a nearby branch (less than a foot away from me) and it was devouring what looked like a huge house fly. I tried to get some video of the carnage, but it flew away. Luckily, I caught a snap of this dragon on a log. It's body was at least four inches long.
Sadly, there weren't enough dragonflies to keep the black flies and mosquitoes away from Jamie's delicious legs. He got eaten alive when he ran to the neighbor's place to say hi. His legs looked like some sprightly elves had inserted halved ping-pong balls under his skin the night before. I think he was outside for only 5 mins or so.
The weekend wasn't all about bug bites and wizard houses though. We got some sun and exploring in.
Naked love. We're not actually naked - it's all camera tricks.
Anna found a log to climb.
Hoisting Climbing Conquered
There was a delicious bass hanging out by the dock. We thought it was protecting its clutch of eggs or something (and by "something" I mean, protecting jewels or other fish-riches).
Tube-top-tacular
Look up. Look waaaaaaaaaaaaay up. The Friendly Giant is going to tell you how Diabetes works.
As with most of the birthdays for people/things in my life that I love, I forgot to wish Lake Superiority Complex a very happy first birthday in August '09.
If you're looking for gift ideas, Lake Sup-Com (much like "J-Lo", everything needs a good contraction) likes movies, music, forwarded links, youtube, common sense, sarcasm and expensive cologne.
Thanks to everyone who reads the blog and a special thanks to those who comment on the blog. Your words of wisdom and/or ridicule are greatly appreciated and/or categorically dismissed.
So what have we done over the year?
We've seen Sean off to school together
We've gone on trips to Illinois, Washington State, Minnesota and British Columbia together
We've gone sightseeing at ski hills and natural geographic wonders together
We've gotten a taste of Northern life together
We've moved across the province together
We've made fun of countless things together
And so much more...
As I click "Publish Post" on my Blogger toolbar, I'm humming the "Family Ties" song, thinking fondly of all my friends and family. Lake Superiority Complex is singing harmony. Sha la-la-la.
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