I Stayed at the Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn

Chicago!! The home of the Cubs and heart attacks. I was in Chicago this week doing some research on heart attacks and this is what I found...

...sloppy second-rate hot dogs. My research indicates that heart attacks are usually predicated by getting a hot dog stuck in your jugular. How that turns into a heart attack, I don't know. It's correlation rather than causation, people. Holla back, Psych degree!

In reality, I was in Chicago for work. Actually, I was in Rolling Meadows, which is one of the suburbs of Chicago. I'm always amused when I see the signs on the highway between the airport and Rolling Meadows that mark the off-ramp to "Suburbs" and "West Suburbia". I always thought the term "Suburb" was some form of slang to describe the slushy part of a city that isn't quite in the city, but also isn't quite out. Little did I know that the term is used on signage that was created by the state government, rather than by some smart ass teenagers who hate their parents for not raising them on the mean streets of the city. Patton Oswalt has some great things to say about people who are from the 'burbs starting at 4:35 (the whole thing is funny though - I recommend you invest 10 mins and listen to it all).

While I was eating my cheese, onion and pickle encircled hot dog in the 'burbs, I noticed the restaurant's ad for their famous salads and the chopped salad reminded me of MTV Canada - it's close, but just not quite right. What's not right about the salad below? One word - Macaroni. Do not do.

Portillo's, the restaurant where I purchased and ate my death dog, was modelled after a 50s diner or the Peach Pit from the original 90210. Same same.

Portillo's had 50's memorabilia all over the walls, which included some great ads from the 50s and 60s. The one posted below caught my eye.

What the what?

I stayed at the Holiday Inn in Rolling Meadows. I usually stay at the Hyatt, so I was a bit sad to hear that I'd be slumming it at the Holiday Inn, but I was in for a surprise. The room I stayed in was pretty good as far as Holiday Inns go, but the hotel had something that I had never seen before. It had what I could only describe as a grotto in the centre. It was an indoor island oasis and it was HUGE. About the size of three high-school gyms.

Below you'll see the entrance (basketball/volleyball court on the right, lagoon in middle)

Another shot of the lagoon

From a hut on a platform

Another shot from the platform

the platform

This place was crazy, and empty, so i could explore without looking creepy. There were a whole bunch of rooms that open right into the lagoon. It would have been the perfect place for a wedding or a birthday party. I was impressed. Yes, I'm lame. If only Elizabeth Berkley could help me with my self-esteem. Wait a minute!!! She can!!!

I stumbled upon "Ask Elizabeth" the other day and sure enough...the Elizabeth to which you can ask things is the one and only Elizabeth Berkley from "Saved By the Bell" and "Showgirls" fame (possibly the worst/best movie ever made). She created a website and a speaking circuit for young women who have questions and are in need of support from a strong female role-model. There is a video on the site that shows her in action, coaching the most bored/confused-looking girls. Unfortunately, the part that the site doesn't show you is Elizabeth's final advice to everyone she speaks to - "put on a pair of really high waisted acid wash jeans, dust off your plaid flannel scrunchy and take a whole bunch of caffeine pills, 'cause you're saved by the bell" (insert sassy synth guitar riff here).

I'll leave you with another ditty by that lovely and respectful man from Brazil who recently did a commercial for Holiday Inn. I think his experience at the Holiday Inn was slightly different than mine, but I'm sure it's realistic none the less.