Thunder Bay is cold. Very cold. Remember when that girl totally blew you off at that dance in grade 7 by telling you that she'd rather eat a fart sandwich than dance with you? Thunder Bay is colder than that.
Thunder Bay has a big "Feels Like" differential. On the Weather Network's daily forecast they have the real temperature and the "Feels Like" temperature which factors in wind chill, cold stares and chilly rejections from grade 7 dances to predict exactly how much the outdoors hates you. The difference between the actual temperature and the "Feels Like" temperature the past few weeks has been around ten to twelve degrees. Now, if the actual temperature was -10 degrees and the "Feels Like" temperature is -21 degrees, that doesn't seem so bad. What's bad is when the actual temperature is -23 degrees and the "Feels Like" temperature is -35 degrees.
I'm waiting for the day when someone at the weather network decides they want to get fired and on that day the temperature forecast will read like this:
Actual Temperature: -21 degrees
"Feels Like": it's killing you with a million tiny icicles through your privates
or
Actual Temperature: -21 degrees
"Feels Like": you should probably go back to bed for a few months, much like your grounhogian ancestors
To warm you up and get your mind off the cold, here's a hot video by Eurodance sensation David Guetta and autotune/fan-humping wizard Akon. This song is painfully catchy, but the video is a bit, well...disjointed. I've listed my running commentary on the video below:
David Guetta flies into Akon's back yard from Barcelona (pronounced "Barthelona")
Akon is sorting through polaroids of scantily clad women looking for one in particular
He finds her taped to the bathroom mirror, but he also finds that she's a lipstick waster
Then there are these first-year loser d-bags who they won't let into the party, so they sneak in but they're never seen again in the video
Then David and Akon have a multi-round tickle fight and keep on falling in the pool, which is hopefully 5% Purell considering the amount of touchy hands have been in it
Then they are at a club and they know the dancers
Akon's date, who I'm pretty sure is a man, leads them to the stage
David gets really white and sweaty while spinning at a club
And in the end it was all a dream - take that creativity!!!
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET AKON DIRECT YOUR VIDEO!!
Sean and I went to the mall the other day to get...hmmm...can't remember (suckers! You thought I was going to reveal one of your xmas gifts - I'm much to smart for that). Anyway, we were at the mall and in order to preemptively combat the effects of Cerebral Malsey that Sean suffers from we decided to get some New York Fries before venturing into the crowds. A full stomach always helps those who suffer from mallsea (mall induced nausea).
While we were eating and people-watching we realized that New York Fries had bestowed upon us not only perfectly fried french fries, but also a holiday gift! A tray liner that turned into an "a magical holiday decoration".
First, you scowl because your wife is wasting precious mall time on garbage...
Then you read and follow the instructions after decorating the paper with ketchup, salt, pepper and grease...
Then you have a "magical decoration"! Ta daaaaaaaa!
Ah, Christmas. A time full of mirth and merriment (otherwise known as "cheer"). There are Santas popping up all over the place, including this creepy "peeping Santa" that is attached to some industrial shop by Intercity mall. It's hard to tell, but he's looking off to the right. To me, it looks like he's conspiring. Conspiring to sweep your mom off her feet and turn her into a reindeer on xmas eve.
This Santa reminds me that anything in a larger-than-life size is kind of scary. I know - Santa is already the biggest, reddest, hairiest, loudest man in the world other than the members of ZZ Top, but there is something about a 20 foot tall Santa that gives me the woogies.
It reminds me of the Stay Puft marshmallow man from ghostbusters.
Look at those New Yorkers running in fear. Run, New Yorkers, Run - lest he smite you with sugary goodness on Gozer the Gozarian's whim.
Every year, parents all over the world smite their children by making them sit on Santa's lap and some brilliant blogger has made all that terror and pleading available to the masses in a few easy clicks of the mouse on SketchySantas.com. "Sketchy Santas" posts pictures of nightmares in the making. If you have any sketchy Santa photos in your collection, I highly recommend that you send them in. Perhaps your childhood nightmare could make some hipster's day.
Oh for the love of ice cream. T-Bay is home to the one and only Merla Mae. Well, ok - there's one in London, ON too, but I saw some earwigs there once so it's clearly not as good as the one in T Bay. Now that you're being driven wild by anticipation, I'll deliver the goods. Merla Mae is an ice cream joint in T Bay that makes its own ice cream and wonderfully greasy burgers and stuff.
Anna, who is usually subdued, was so excited by our trip to Merla Mae last spring that she made the face in the pic below and then voraciously devoured the hot fudge sundae in her hand. Tobey and I were terrified, yet impressed.
Merla Mae has now closed for the winter. Hibernating like a bear. Rest assured Merla Mae - we will be there when you awaken from your dairy-induced coma, ready to fill your pockets with chrome of baller proportions.
It's a little known fact, but the following song was originally written about going to Merla Mae, but the record execs forced a change to the lyrics because "the club" had a wider target audience. The Man...always keeping Thunder Bay down.
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