BPA stands for "Bonified Panic Agitator"

Sippy cups. Who invented them? Probably a wise parent or an industrious and observant engineer who knows how to make money. You know sippy cups. No, not the Stanley Cup (yes - that old chestnut again) or the Diva Cup. Sippy cups are those cups that kids drink out of that make up for their lack of respect for physics and common courtesy.

They're gravity-proof, spill-proof, leak-proof and idiot-proof (perfect for kids of all levels of stability).

In order to make up for my own lack of respect for physics and fake some common courtesy, I invested in my very own sippy cup for adults. It's manufactured by CamelBak and it has caused me to see the light.

Have you ever been in a corporate boardroom and witnessed the variety of water bottles people carry? There are lots. Sigg metal bottles for the people who had a BPA-induced panic attack. Old, ratty, lipstick-stained Dasani bottles that people feel compelled to re-use despite the fact that they're flaking and becoming crunchy-looking. Your standard Nalgenes that cause estrogen-like effects on their owners (moustache prevention, increased health consciousness, less male pattern baldness, etc). And one more question...have you ever seen someone go to take a swig out of one of those bottles and they miss their mouth and dribble down their meticulously pressed Dockers. Or have you seen someone do the thing where they put their bottle down and the stars align just right so that water shoots out the top of the bottle upon contact with the table, perhaps onto their presentation notes or even worse, someone elses?

Well, both those things have happened to me, and let me tell you - It's embarassing. In the corporate world, you are expected to display a certain level of decorum at all times. Everyone believes that everyone else is perfect and that their only faults have to do with important email from you that they're ignoring or the fact that they are constantly late for meetings. Everyone assumes that they themselves are the only ones who have shameful secret eating habits or other Skeletors in the closet. It's weird.



Anyway...That unreasonable expectation of decorum is the reason I love my adult sippy cup. I facilitate a lot of meetings, lead learning sessions, and offer unsolicited opinions, etc at work and due to the fact that I am required to talk a lot (yes - they pay me to talk), I need to drink a lot of water to keep the whistle wet so the words keep flowing. The less tipping, flipping, unscrewing, re-capping, the better.

My adult sippy cup fits perfectly into the side pocket in my purse/briefcase and although it looks kind of ugly, being environmentally friendly pretties you up by about 20%, right? Like an unattractive guy with a guitar? Always 20% hotter with a guitar. An extra 5% for being able to play it.



What are the chances he knows the chords for "Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin? I'd say the chances are pretty high.

When it comes to the environmental issues our world is facing, I say we should blame it on the birds - they've been using wood as their building material since the dawn of time - they set the bad example. Like Eve was tempted by tree of life, so too was the rest of the human race tempted by readily available building materials that birds seemed to be successfully exploiting with no reprisal. So, next time you see a bird, it better be playing a guitar or else it will be just another wasteful, unattractive bird.

Clean Habits Cover Dirty Secrets

I've just made a very conscious decision to go back to non-environmentally-friendly toilet paper. Why, you ask? Because I was going through reams upon reams of the green stuff, so I decided to go back to wiping with only a few squares of the pillowy softness that is Charmin (the folks who bring us delightful commercials that answer that age-old question of "does a bear shit in the woods?" - PS - the answer is "yes - bears do indeed shit in the woods and they use premium-quality toilet paper" or the Royale kitten, whichever is within reach).

I have yet to understand why Royale has used a kitten as their mascot for so long. Did they not do any research into what happens when you mix cats with toilet paper?




Pairing those two does not produce a pleasant surprise like accidentally mixing chocolate with peanut butter.







I love how the woman in that commercial is eating peanut butter by the spoonful while seeing a movie alone. I reserve that level of self-loathsome indulgence for the comfort of my own home or while hiding in the bathroom at work, thank you very much.

Regarding the toilet paper thing, maybe I'm falling prey to an adult manifestation of that volume/perception cognitive test that they (aka "the man") administer to show how stupid kids are when compared to adults, but I feel better about using only four squares of Charmin compared to about 20 squares of the environmentally friendly. What the children in that video fail to observe is that the juice was probably not Sharkleberry Finn koolaid. Tastes too much like blue!



To offset my need for corproreal luxury, I vow to do the following starting tomorrow:

• Stop burning gasoline-soaked plastic bags instead of wood in the backyard bonfire


• Walk...to the car instead of using my diesel-powered jet-pack to get from the front door to my whip











• Stop wasting energy by cleaning my house with the electric vacuum. I will hire someone to do that for me. That way, I'm just wasting money.
  


• Stop burning money as fuel
  

In all seriousness, there are two environmentally-minded habits I have established and consistently practiced over the last couple of years that I'm actually quite proud of. These two changes make me feel better than other people, which in turn helps me to feel better about myself (remember the title of my blog...superiority complex). For the last couple of years I've carried a reusable grocery bag and a reusable water bottle with me wherever I go. Both were a bit bulky and awkward at first, but now I feel naked and lonely without their bulk (much like I feel when Sean is not near) and I've established quite the preference for a particular kind of bag and bottle combo.

The bag I swear by is made by a company called "Kiva". I stumbled upon this bag at SEATAC airport in Seattle and I've been a fan ever since. About a year before buying the Kiva bag, I had been using two other types of packable bags that attached to your keyring. Both did the trick, but had some downsides.

The first bag I used was just a bag that I had picked up at the pharmacy. I liked the colour/pattern and it had a clasp on it that would attach it to a keyring. At that point, that's all I was looking for...something to attach to my keys. I owned a number of reusable bags and I even kept one in my car, but damn it...do you think I'd remember to bring it with me when I left my car to go into the store? I fear for the day that I have a child, forget about it, and leave it in the car when I go to get groceries. Who will carry the groceries from the store to the car if the kid doesn't go into the store with me??? By attaching a bag to my keys, I would always have it with me, because luckily, I have never forgotten my keys in the car (knock on ecologically sustainable building products).



The first bag worked well, but as noted earlier, it had a few downsides. First, the tote bag and the little bag you stuff it into were not attached to one another, which left me vulnerable to the environment-destroying character flaw I was trying to overcome - forgetfulness. If I didn't stuff the tote back into the key chain sack as soon as my newly purchased goods exited the bag, I would either forget where I put the tote bag or I would leave the house without the tote bag because there was no visual trigger that it was missing - the little sack would still be clipped to my keys. This visual check is especially important if you carry a purse full of stuff and you only want to look with your eyes, not with your hands (like they tell the boys in high-school gym class).




Some would say this problem was caused by my forgetfulness, but I blame it on the manufacturer (and the rain). Second, the key chain clip was fastened to the sack by a narrow loop of fabric. The key chain clip and the bag would ultimately rotate in opposite directions and weaken the integrity of the fabric loop to the point that it would break. Then I was left with a functional tote bag with a non-functional stuff sack, which in turn becomes garbage, because what do you need a tiny bag with a snap on it for? Garbage avoidance is what this whole thing is about, so ultimately, it was creating unnecessary garbage. I threw that bag out the window on the freeway once I found the ChicoBag.

The second key chain bag that I tried, the ChicoBag, had a lot of promise, but just didn't do it for me in the end. Its downfall...short straps and stuffing woes. The handles on the bag were very much like the handles on a plastic shopping bag - too small to sling over your shoulder.

We've all been there...carrying about a zillion shopping bags from the car to the house. Shuffling toward the door, taking only tiny steps so that you don't kick the groceries that are hanging low to the ground because you don't have the strength to carry the load while walking upright like an evolved Homo (sapiens sapiens, that is). Each finger shouldering the weight of one plastic shopping bag, cutting into your skin and cutting off your circulation. If you had hooves, you'd be a pack-mule.

After doing the grocery shuffle one too many times, I decided to look for a bag with longer straps.

The ChicoBag's second downfall was the stuff sack. It's sewn to the inside of the bag (no chance of the tote and the stuff sack separating - woot!) and it has a drawstring cord with one of those spring-loaded baubles on the end (the kind you find on your ski jacket or tent bag). The problem was the cord. You had to be really conscious of making sure that the cord and bauble had not fallen into the stuff sack (like it had a propensity to do) before you started stuffing. Otherwise, the closing mechanism for the bag would be rendered useless and your tote bag would spill out everywhere like a sea cucumber after a hearty day of scavenging. Although the ChicoBag did not make the cut in the end, the small carabiner attached to it makes a great key chain.

Finally - the Kiva. It's all I ever wanted. Long straps, high capacity, attached bag with a zipper closure that turns into a little pocket when it's in bag form, belt loop. I love it.



Yes, schoolyard bully - I love it so much that I would marry it. Now go back to teasing the kids that will actually be influenced by your chiding. You're wasting valuable internalized-hatred time on me.

I grow weary from this post. Stay tuned for my over-inflated explanation of my water bottle.

You've Made It, Kid

My beloved keyboard cat has made the big time.

http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/#clip173454

You know you're hilarious when you make Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert lose their shit.

Mt McKay Ate Us for an After-Lunch Snack

On Saturday, a couple of friends (Anna and Tobey) and I went on a little adventure. Destination: Mt McKay aka Thunder Mountain.

Mt McKay is part of the mountain-range that runs through the North Superior region and the plateau provides a fantastic view of Thunder Bay (both the city and the actual bay) and the peninsula that makes up Sleeping Giant National Park. It's just outside of Thunder Bay proper and is located on a reservation.

The mountainside is shale, so walking up the "path" that leads to the top of the mountain could be likened to walking up a giant pile of broken glass, or bones or ice cubes - anything that would snap, break, crumble and then slide under foot. I put the word "path" in quotes, because the route we took was not as much a path as it was a treacherous route to the plateau that required one to hang onto tree branches for dear life and dodge falling rocks dislodged by your higher-altitude friends.

We got to the top, but unfortunately we didn't find the Thunderdome. WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO!!

Here are few pictures that Tobey took with her fancy camera

Near and far shots of Nanabijou aka The Sleeping Giant.

A shot of the city...I've always wanted to see the airport from the air.

This is the face that Anna made when she got hit in the butt with a falling rock dislodged by either Toby or myself. Or perhaps it's the face she made when she slid about 8' on her butt and hands down the shale and almost dropped out of sight. Tobey and I has similarly harrowing moments. Sure-footed as mountain goats, we were!

This picture proves to all those non-believers that I climbed and I climbed high.

Anna and I practicing for yearbook photos.

Beautiful blue skies...

It was windy!

Anna on our vertical ascent. You can get a good look at the shale in this picture and its crumbliness.

I'm not sure which was more difficult - going uphill or going downhill. Uphill was tough because it was like running on sand. The energy put into every step was swallowed up by sliding back half as far (or more) as you stepped. Downhill was tough too. Fightin' gravity. 'nuff said.

Anna, Tobey and I aren't the only people who are unfairly and unjustifiably subjected to the forces of gravity. You may know people who have our same plight. Maybe someone in your family. Maybe someone who is sitting in the same room with you. Maybe even you!!

These poor folks challenge the rules of gravity with all their might. Unfortunately they get branded with a big FAIL, just like the rest of us.


Those of you who know me well, know how much I love to laugh at other people's misfortune (like the poor, unfortunate souls in the cheer leading video). Ok now, before you start writing to the Thunder Bay Chronicle Journal and form a pitchforks-and-torches posse to annoy me into becoming a better person, understand that I don't laugh at people who have truly had misfortune befall upon them, like the sick or elderly (unless they're those old men whose pants spontaneously fall down at weddings) or the undeniably destitute (like Gary Busey or Nick Nolte, whose most significant misfortune is that they seem to be coming closer and closer to being the same person every day).

One of my current favourite vehicles for viewing the misfortunes of others is playhimoffkeyboardcat.com. PHOKC pairs random clips with, well...just take a look for yourself. It's undeniably the funniest thing in the world. Forever. Barack Obama said so.

Oh My - Your Baby is Terrifying

This blog post goes out to all my pregnant friends...

You know those babies? The ones that look like Benjamin Button when they're born? The ones that look like Quatto from Total Recall? "Quuuuuuuaaaaaaiiiiiidddd!!!"

Maybe the baby is looking less than ideal because it's grumpy or it's in the process of taking a poo. I present Exhibit A: The baby in the video below goes through the full spectrum, from cute to ugly, and most of the ugly takes place during a hardy push.

Although I can relate to the parents in the video for having a corprophiliac sense of humour, I hope they stop filming their child taking a grump by the time the kid is 10 or at least stop laughing uproariously during the dump by the time the kid is 8 if they insist on continuing to capture the miracle of digestion/elimination on video. Otherwise, they are in for a world of hurt in the teenage years.

Unfortunately, there is a possibility that the baby is plainly and simply just an unattractive baby. That unattractiveness is not necessarily due to bad genes. I present Exhibit B: Conan O'Brien has been very successful in demonstrating the lack of relationship between the attractiveness of the parents and the attractivenes of the child. This has been demonstrated on national television, which makes it true and credible.

There's a great blog out there right now called "Sexy People" and there are some very ugly people on that blog. Let me rephrase...there are some very unfortunate haircuts and mom jeans on that blog. They may not be ugly people, but they're definitely in need of a makeover. Some of those poor, unfortunate souls on the blog happen to be ugly children.

Did you know that the Bat Child from Weekly World News (the world's only reliable news) had a sister?

I don't even know what to say about this one. This girl's parents put H.R. Giger to shame.

To all my pregnant friends out there...may your babies be as cute as a button (not Benjamin Button) and if they're not, let's pray that they at least have a beautiful singing voice like Quatto.

For the record, I don't know any ugly babies, so don't go assuming that your ugly baby inspired this blog post, because it didn't. I was inspired to write this blog post way before I saw your ugly baby.

TGIF

I just woke up from dreamy sleep.
Dreamed that I met Bob Euchre (former baseball player and butler employer) and that he follows my blog and likes the ones that are about sports and halloween the best.

Bitten by the Twilight Bug

I will freely admit to the fact that I have read the entire Twilight series in the span of approximately one month. I will not admit to the fact that I liked it.



For those of you who aren't familiar with the Twilight series, here's a brief plot summary.

Benevolent vampires
Forbidden love
Werewolves
Malevolent vampires
Werewolf/Vampire battle
blah
blah
blah
Mutant baby
blah
blah
Outsmart granddaddy vampires
Happily ever after, except for the eternal craving for human blood that will forever be unrequited

For those of you who think this sounds good because you like Buffy-esque sexy teenage vampire stories, I will tell you right now that it's a very poor substitute.

I compare reading the Twilight series to running a marathon. You get tired part way though, then you get a surge of energy and excitement, then you get tired again, then you feel like you're going to vomit, then you're like "what the f*ck am I doing???" and then you finish it - you feel exhausted, hungry, tired, nauseous and at the moment when you cross the finish and someone wraps a tinfoil blanket around you, you're satisfied. Then you start planning for the next one. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone to wrap a tinfoil blanket around me at the end. I did, however, find this album cover to share with you. Who wants to go as ABBA for Haloween next year? The costume is totally recession-friendly.



After reading the Twilight books, I decided to watch the movie, which I will admit liking, but I think it would have been awful if I hadn't read the books.

While watching the movie, I couldn't stop thinking that the oh-so-dreamy Robert Pattison looked like someone I knew. Someone who sang a haunting melody from my youth. Then it came to me. R-Patz looks like none other than Feargal Sharkey! You remember Feargal...he was looking for someone with a good heart once the Undertones broke up. How this crap from my childhood remains in my brain will always be a mystery to me. Check out the resemblance below.



I had to find a picture of Feargal where he looks significantly more attractive than he actually is in order to demonstrate the similarities between the two.



If you watch the video, you'll notice that Feargal is partial to female drummers. We all know someone else who is partial to female drummers...

Prince! He and Sheila E loved to lead the glamourous life.



How do we complete this circle? Robert Pattison looks like Feargal Sharkey, who likes female drummers. Female drummers have often graced the stage with the Purple One. Good thing I found the gif below so that the circle could remain unbroken.